The Birds, The Bees, and the Butters
by StephenMcTowelie
Summary: The script for a Sex-Ed class presented by Leopold "Butters" Stotch to the South Park Public Schools with a guest lecture at the end by Mr. Herbert Garrison and his assistant Mr. Slave. Rated M for content of a sexual nature. Chapter 3 complete
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's Note:**_ _The following is a sex-Ed course presented by Leopold "Butters" Stotch to the South Park Public School system. It is meant to be read in Butters' voice as he explains to students what to do when their penis gets hard, or their vagina gets moist._

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Intro

Umm, hi fellas. It's me, Butters. I'm here to talk to the class about sex-u-al ed-u-ca-tion. First of all, welcome to puberty, you're about to enter a magical world of fantastical new experiences. Now this is a challenging time for little boys and girls to go through and can be a little confusing sometimes but have no fear as you navigate the treacherous waters between you and adulthood for I, Butters will be your guide.

By this time some of you may start finding yourself interested in members of the opposite gender in a way that you've never been before. Girls are no longer icky to the boys and boys are no longer dirty and smelly to the girls. Some of you may even be feeling things for members of the same gender too, we call those people ho-mo-sex-u-als and we'll talk about that later on in the 3rd section of this lesson. Right now let's stick to boy-girl relations as not to confuse ya'll that might already be confused; Tweek, Craig, I'm looking at you two. These feelings might seem a little weird, even uncomfortable but I assure you they are completely normal. Some of you might not have these feelings yet, that's ok, ya'll might just be late bloomers. Just give it time and eventually it'll happen, if it doesn't well then I don't know what to tell you and this class isn't for you.

Let's start off with the basics. What is sex? Sex is when the penis enters an orifice like the va-gi-na, mouth or asshole. There are also things called footjobs and handjobs but my good buddy Bill Clinton told me those don't count as sex. When should I have sex? That's easy, 17. Our very own school cafeteria Chef told me that much. Another thing fellas, these days you have to get consent forms signed and notarized before you can "crush puss". Crushing puss is another name for sex-u-al in-ter-course. These forms can be obtained in PC Principals office.

Ok, class I hear you giggling back there. Some of ya'll are probably going to find this funny, words like penis and vagina sound kinda silly huh don't they? We'll all get more out of this class if you can just zip it mister and be mature for a few minutes here. We've got six sections to get through, I'll be teaching five of them and Mr. Garrison will come up from the kindergarten to teach the last one since I'm not really sure how to describe a Dirty Sanchez to ya'll without laughing a little myself. He's more of the expert in those matters but your good Ol' pal Butters has got you covered for everything else. Alright then let's get to it fellas!


	2. Chapter 2

Section 1: For the Boys

First I'd like to talk to the fellas. Are all the girls out of the room? Good. Now we can have guy talk without those nosy little bitches up in our kool aid. Do you know what I am saying? Now let us begin. First of all some of you might have noticed your wiener getting hard for no apparent reason. You might have even noticed it pushing out against your pants; we call that pitching a tent. Now this is perfectly normal for your wiener to get like that. Now when a man's penis gets hard he sticks it in a woman's vagina. This isn't always as easy as it seems. Sometimes the girls are too pure and innocent to let you put your wiener in. Other times they just want to make you work for it. Thanks to my good friend Eric Cartman I have a few tips to help you finding a vagina to stick your penis in. Sometimes they want money, or you to take them to a fancy dinner or a movie. You'll also have to listen to all the stupid shit they have to say; most of the time just wait until their mouth stops moving nod your head and say "I agree." or "That is interesting, I never thought of it that way." You might also have to convince her that all her friends aren't prettier than her. Sometimes, if not most of the time this simply isn't true. Don't worry fellas, eventually with enough practice you'll get very good at lying. Now you might get lucky and find a girl that doesn't care about food, attention or how you feel about them or really anything for that matter and they just want a penis in their vagina, any penis will do. We call those girls sluts and while other girls might talk back about sluts we know that those are the best girls to find. If you want to put your wiener in a vagina fast you should look first for a slut before wasting your time messing around with harder to get girls. Remember when dealing with regular girls you should always talk bad about sluts so it makes you seem like a better person to increase your chances of putting your penis in their vagina. Sometimes a girl isn't willing to let you put your penis in their vagina but will let you put it in their mouth or their butthole. If your penis gets hard and for some reason you can't find a vagina to put it into then there's this little trick called masturbation where you grab your wiener with your hand and rub it up and down until all the creamy goo comes out. Stan's dad told me this goo was called cum and you shouldn't eat it even if it makes you a better sarcastaball player. It doesn't taste too bad if you do decide to eat it, especially if you've been eating sweets like chocolate or pineapples. Now that we've gone over what you're supposed to do when your penis gets hard and how to get a girl to help you with that problem we will discuss the basics of what you do when your penis is inside a vagina, mouth or asshole. All you have to do is move your wiener back and forth, in and out until the hard penis sneezes milk out of its pee hole. Then the penis becomes soft and the man loses interest in the woman. The End.


	3. Chapter 3

Section 2: For the Girls

Now if I could speak to the ladies by themselves. Are all of the boys out of the room? Good. Now we can have girl talk without those filthy pigs up in our kool aid. Do you know what I am saying? Now let us begin. Some of you might have noticed your crotch getting wet for no apparent reason. This wetness is coming from your va-gi-na. The reason the vagina gets wet is because it wants to have a boy's wiener inside it. I know, I know that sounds really icky but if you don't stick something in it then you'll be really frustrated and that's not fun at all is it? Note that I said stick something in it, not specifically a wiener. You can put fingers, a hairbrush, vegetables, the telephone and so on inside your vagina to make it feel better. They even sell these things called dildos that are specifically designed for that purpose. Do you know what I am saying? This is important because the boys will try to put their penises in your vaginas and you have to make them work for it. No one likes a slut; the boys will think you're easy and start treating you like garbage and the other girls will make fun of you for it. Now ladies you know that you want it just as bad as they do but you have to pretend that you don't. If you do that you can make the boys do all sorts of things for the chance to put their wiener in you; buy you dinner, take you to a movie, get you pretty jewelry and commit to not putting their wieners in other girls. They even have to be nice to you. Now once you've milked a boy for all he's worth and you're ready to let him put his penis in your vagina there is a rule; lick it before you stick it. You see once a boy's penis sneezes out his creamy milky goo he will be done with you whether you are taken care of or not so the best remedy for that is to take care of yourself before you take care of him. You see when I was running a kissing booth my bottom bitch told me that girls can get off multiple times and boys can only once whatever that means. The important thing is that both of you are taken care of. Another rule, no blowjobs, unless you go to see a Broadway play and then well in that case it is kind of unavoidable. Now when the wiener actually goes into your vagina you have to option of whether you just lay there and let him do all the work or you can actually help out. It's all up to you and what feels the best for your vagina. We will go over sexual positions later on once I bring the boys back in. That should about cover all you need to know about the basics of sex-u-al int-er-cour-se.

Oh one last thing, you probably also have seen that your vagina starts bleeding every few weeks. No that isn't because you are horny for vampires, those kids are lame anyways. It's because of something called a period and you're going to have to ask your mom's about that because frankly it's fucking gross. Ok ladies, that is all. We can bring the boys back in now.


End file.
